Understanding a god from a recovering athiest
Its hard. I don't even know how to explain how hard it is. When you've rejected anything and everything that could not be proven. At least for those who come from a background with religious beliefs, however wrong they are, they at least had an understand of what religion could be. But for me, it was wholly different.

I had no spring board. My family was pretty much what you call agnostic, except for the fact that God was there whenever they convieniently needed it. I rejected any belief in God. Just as much as I rejected the Easter Bunny and Santa Claus. Any type of reasoning never stuck with me (you should hear the tales my mom tried to tell me when I asked too much about Santa). I grew up in a school system that did not involve religion on any level, including Catholicism and Christianity. This was before we had a massive inwave of people immigrating from foreign countries like the Philippeans, Iraq, Iran, Pakistan, and Afganistan. Counrties wholly different from ours. It wasn't that I thought they were stupid, but more that since it didn't make sense to me, I never gave it any thought. I felt no inner struggle or grief or shame or remose. I felt nothing. It was not apart of me, so why bother?

I did eventually become involved in Wicca. And it was difficult. I am by nature more mature than I should have been. I experienced my rather angsty and hate-ridden years when I was very young. I grew up verbally abused on an almost daily basis. I believe it was in one of sannion 's posts about one of the gods... about making things managable to live by. By finding whatever goodness there is and hanging onto it tooth and nail til death to you part. I subjected myself to the abuse in order to get the good things in life. It probably wasn't worth it, but its what happened.

Okay I got off track. I did get involved in Wicca, and for a number of years, I read about it off and on. But I never actively engaged in ritual. Or anything. I did love Wicca. I felt like I could become Wiccan. But nothing ever came of it. And where I was going on my mature rant and it being difficult: I live in a very apathetic community towards religion. Hell, towards almost anything in general. And of the few "Wiccans" I possibly could come to know, what they did felt wrong. As if they were doing it for show. And when I heard it through friends that we had Wiccans at my current high school, I was momentarily pleased. But then I thought about that.. most students don't know what Wicca really is. Witches, spells, etc, etc. On some level, most of my peers do not grasp the concept of what religion is. Up until.. hell, now as I'm writing this, I haven't fully grasped it either. Although now when I think about this, I thought them lesser somehow. Not as a lesser human being, but someone that had not bothered to go below the surface.. to try and see what this was. What it was made of. WHAT RELIGION IS. What Wicca is. Its hard to explain knowing that but not having the words come out right. I'm not being mean towards them. Its just. Bah. Anyways.

When I began researching more into Wicca, deeper to say, I thought about patron gods. And when I began looking through Scott Cunningham's Living Wicca, up came Dionysos. Why him, I don't know. I knew more about Apollo and Artemis and Zeus and Hera and Hephasteus, hell, even Luna and Helios and Thetis. The best I had mention of him was.. hell.. the mini university course I took about Greek and Roman Religion and Culture (University of Winnipeg, if anyone is interested). I suppose what linked it was when I went looking up statuary online. For me, I prefer real images rather than.. symbolic. Its definately alot easier for me. The first I had found was Aphrodite, the other "click" in my life. But I knew alot more about her than I did Dionysos. At least surface wise.

Then I found a Dionysos statue (I still used 'sus' until I began reading more. hah). I can't really explain what I felt. My memory is absolute shit. But. He was beautiful. I'd go back to that page and stare. There. I admitted it. I STARED. He enthralled me more than Aphrodite did. And thus my search began (and my ever-failing attempts at saving up for said statue).

Recently I had begun saying in my mind that I comprehended Dionysos better in a youthful, healing, calmer form. Yes, he did have a violent side. But I didn't really comprehend that. I'm a very youthful person with masculine tendencies. Dionysos in a more femininly form suited me just damn fine. Not that there isn't anything wrong with that. At least I don't think there is. But I did neglect his more violent, whirlwind, HURRICANECOMINGFORYOURFACE side. Well, at least until now.

This was a comment made on one of sannion 's entries (I've been going through a bunch of journals lately of like everyone I know. And only one is really related to my own searching path. So don't be freaked out, please! xD) by cjmarbutt . It made shivers go down my spine. Also didn't help that I had been reading some really freaky scary stuff earlier on kc_anathema 's journal.

 The image of Dionysos that has developed in my mind is at best unsettling: a grove at midnight, old oaks looming like sentinels entwined with the vein-like tendrils of ivy and grape, strange things sighing and flitting about before settling into the deep shadows, inhuman eyes watching, lichen and moss crunching underfoot, the sweet stench of rotting fruit on the forest floor, between the braches overhead the stars spat forth into the bowl of night and the almost palpable silence broken by the terrifying (oh, we forget the true meaning of that word) bellowing of Pan announcing the arrival of the Lord and his train.

If you don't know who Pan is, you'd best get it in your head that his cries can drive a man into absolute panic. Pan is the root word for panic for a reason, folks. Bellowing is such a powerful word. And we really do forget the true meaning of the word 'terrifying'. Watch a horror movie that you can't stand to watch. Remember the most horrific nightmare you had were you were running from something bent on hurting you really bad, and you couldn't get away fast enough. Get ahold of that fear. Grab it and hold it and multiply it. Its horrific, isn't it?

Thats apart of the nature of Dionysos. He is ruthless and savage just like any Greek god. Lots of poets and writers of that time and after saw him as effeminate and youthful and that he couldn't hold his grain of salt against Ares.

Guess the fuck again.

His maenads, his beloved female priests gave their minds to him and they went mad. Mad with love and connection with the divine. And when someone pissed them off (or Dionysos told them to do it, I suppose) they went apeshit on your ass. They tore flesh from the bones of bulls. He is  a god of healing and calm, but he is also a god of ruthlessness and madness. The two sides of the sword. Two of many effects of wine: the gift and bane of man.

This just opens a helluva lot of doors for me. But it doesn't daunt me. I've gotten over the hump where I feared religion would take over my life and I would have to stop doing things in order to make room for a god. But now.. it doesn't have to be that way. If I go out during in intended ritual night, then I shall dedicate the night to that god. I shall bring alcohol and music and my tarot and we shall have a merry good time. Or perhaps we shall drive around and enjoy the company of others. Worship for me is no longer scary.

Worship is enjoying life.

Grabbing it and holding onto it like no tomorrow.

Because maybe.. one day there won't be. And I'll want to have lived as best I could, so I can look upon whoever meets me at those gates, that river, the heavenly abyss that encompases the world... I can look at them and smile and say,

"I enjoyed the ride, but I want another go. Here's my ticket."


Up where the mountains meet the heavens above
Out where the lightning splits the sea
I would swear that there's someone somewhere
Watching me

Through the wind and the chill and the rain
And the storm and the flood
I can feel his approach
Like the fire in my blood

I want to feel that. Because thats what life is. And I'm not afraid anymore.

Euoi, Dionysos! :)




.